Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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