Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
