Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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