Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
