obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
