some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
