you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
