I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
i would punch a child for taco bell
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
