It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
