I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
