I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just had sex bonerless
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
