i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
