I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
