In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
