i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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