i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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