my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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