I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize