Cold hands, warm shart.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize