I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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