I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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