Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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