never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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