saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
