Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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