Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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