I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
