I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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