Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize