I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
