forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
