So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
