i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
