we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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