11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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