i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
