My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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