Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
