note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
