You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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