Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
