The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
