I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
