my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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