And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
