It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
