I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
