There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
barbara walters just said penis...
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
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