How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
pop tarts are not kleenex
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize