If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
you had me at cake vodka
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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