I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
