i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize