Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
