if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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