The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
