??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have feelings that need drinking.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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