Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
