I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
