You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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